Monday, 17 August 2009


Sometimes life is good. Everything seems to be going well: you’re in a great relationship, living comfortably in a really nice house in a fabulous area, you’re secure financially and lovingly supported in your pursuance of ‘a life less stressful’ (i.e. still don’t need to go back to work), you get to go into the mountains to climb, walk or scramble whenever you want to, and you’ve even just managed to bake the most fantastic batch of scones you’ve ever laid eyes on (yes, they really are that good!). But somehow, something still isn’t right.

I don’t know what it is, whether the crack on the head I received in the Alps has caused a horrendous chemical imbalance in my brain that’s causing me to feel this way, or whether I was never destined to break free from the suffocating chains of the depression of years gone by, but things don’t feel good right now.

Sometimes life is good, sometimes bad. When life is bad you tend to find a way to fight through the bad feelings, the lows, the agonies and the depressive moments, your mind copes because it has a reason to – you understand why you feel unhappy and this provides a kind of solace and comfort, or at least that’s how it’s been for me in the past. Right now though life is good, yet I have been suffering those horrible, terrible fraught feelings of desolation and panic I thought I’d left behind in my recovery. Why has it all come back? Why am I finding myself breaking into random sobs in the car? Why do I look at my scars and wonder what it would feel like to gain another? What is this feeling of emptiness and hollow loneliness when I’m not alone? I really don’t know. I just hope it gets better again soon.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Darling, there has been many things going on lately, trips, climbs, moves, pilkoting licence, leaving work and I assume also perhaps losing touch with some old friends, perhaps also finding some new ones and all that of course takes it toll.

    If you ask me I would not be suprised that a slight "down" period comes after all this. In fact would it not, objectively speaking, be strange if you did not have a period feeling a bit down after all the things that you have accomplished and gone through in a relatively short time.

    It's just a few months since I met you in Västra Skogen connecting some coaxial cables. Allow yourself to settle a little and I am sure that what you are feeling now is not a depression per see but just a normal reaction to everything.

    Just take a bit extra care of yourself for a while and I am sure things will settle and emotionally catch up with everything. Don't know what does it for you but for me a nice spa day always does it (and for my better half Jeanette also).

    I've just come back home to the niceties of modern life after spending three weeks in a cabin in the woods with my fiancee three cats and a pile of books yay high... makes me appreciate the luxury of having running hot water, indoor plumbing, a dishwasher... :)

    Lets go running tomorrow night. You in Wales, me in Stockholm and compare the experience. I have been keeping it up over the summer, at least 2 runs a week and even 3 runs most of the time... will write more on my home page later on.

    Hugs and cheers from us!